I am asking for your prayers..
God has been working on my heart to get me to do something, or at least to attempt to do something I just don't want to do. It's not life or death, but it's kind of multi-layered. And did I mention, I don't want to do it? Oh right, I just did.
He's been talking to me while I read His word. He's been talking to me while I do the laundry. He's been talking to me while I'm in church. He's been talking to me when I run. I'd really prefer it if I wasn't hearing Him so strongly. But God, my God, He's LOUD and CLEAR. I keep giving Him reasons why I don't think He's right, yeah, I've got that nerve. Yet...He won't shut up.
Boy, do I want Him to.
For about a month now He's been showing up too many places telling me to do the right thing. I think I've been intentional in doing the opposite just because I can't imagine listening to Him on this one.
He's right of course, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be right too. Except we're having completely opposite thoughts here, and only one of us can be right, and, you know, He's God. He wins.
Life doesn't always go the way we had hoped. We don't get a say in the choices of others, and we can't make people do things the way we think they should be done. We don't get to control death, loss, disease. We can't change the diagnosis that will rob our loved one of their memories. We just stand there helpless as we watch it happen.
And, that's what I do.
I watch helplessly as life goes much differently than I had planned.
I wrestle. I wonder. I ache.
I get angry.
I long for control.
Isn't that the root of all sin? My belief that my way is better than His? Isn't that what I am really thinking?
All the while, it is there.
The whispered, "Do you trust me?"
Faith is not something you have, it is something you do. Despite the wrestling, the ache, and the anger you trust; knowing that someday, it will all be redeemed.
Knowing that even though I cannot see it, it is being redeemed.
God is not idle.
I am not alone.
He is redeeming.
Do I trust Him?
But I'm not ready to give in. I'm wrestling with Him.
So, if you'd pray that I'd humble myself to Him, which will mean humbling myself to others. Which will mean no more complaining or gossipping, which will mean working at making peace, which will mean allowing myself to open to be slammed again...oh wait, that's me wrestling again--see, knowing that this will most likely hurt, quite a bit, makes me not want to do it.
Enough already, Shut up, me.
Will you just pray for me please? God knows what I'm writing about here. Knowing you are praying will hold me to being accountable to listen and do what He is telling me.
