My mind is a constant battlefield. A war of impulsive raging thoughts combined with emotions. And of course matters don't help the fact that I'm a matured guy. I'm an adult but not. Legally I'm an adult. And at the appropriate times and places, I try to act as an adult (a mindful adult-who treats others with respect). I don't think it helps me that some adults treat me like an ignorant child. So, that may be why I'm confused as to what my age-appropriate role is here. I'm borderline. Regardless, I think EVERYONE should know how to act and treat other people at appropriate times, regardless of age. Sometimes I know to act like a respectful human being and other times it's appropriate for me to act like an idiot--because I'm young enough to get away with it without losing my "reputation".
So enough with the rambling. My 1st point I'm trying to make is that I'm at a rough/awkward age in life. but definitely not nearly as bad as being 14/15-I definitely would NEVER want to go back to that age! I'm currently "teeter-tottering" back and forth between adulthood and maturity and I think other adults in my life have a harder time determining what I am than what I think I am. Make sense?
Moving on...
On top of my age and variety of roles I play in life--my emotional/mental state is in it's own category. While in the midst of trying to have the mind of Christ by studying His word and putting it into action w/ different situations I go through, I've been battling depression/anxiety my WHOLE life. Except, I didn't know I had been dealing w/ depression until these past couple of weeks. I didn't know I was in depression until last week... and anxiety is something I've gotten better with, but have had relapses every now and then. I guess my question here is--WHAT do I do with these thoughts? these emotions? this anger? My anger has built up from years of being brought down, discouraged, feeling used when I know that I have tried so hard to manage these things--people don't even know the beginning of it. And if they did, they'd be very surprised that someone like me goes through and deals with all of this stuff. Yet, I hide it. Seems stupid right? Maybe. But I do it because ultimately I THINK it makes me stronger if I could learn the ability to override my own emotions and toughen up. To just block my emotions and take hit after hit and not have it effect me and my dreams. But I'm going about it the wrong way. I KNOW I am because all I end up with is left over anger. And the moment someone makes a personal attack against me or false accusation without even having the common knowledge of just coming to me and asking, the anger that was left over comes back and rises to the surface. I cry-I feel defeated.
So what do I do? How do I handle these conflicts/situations immediately without feeling like I'm going to lose control if I stick up for myself? How do I go about my rights of voicing my opinions to prevent false accusation without coming off as a rude/rebellious kid?
Do I allow myself to get angry and "press forward" only to regress? Or do immediately stand up for myself and not let it slide?
WHY AM I SO NICE?! Being angry isn't me. I don't seek revenge. I don't hold wrongs against anyone (mostly because I forget), but also because it's not within me or my spirit to do so. I follow through. I have so much to offer. Yet, I am never given credit.
THEN AGAIN--I think.. why do I, arjun sharma, feel that I need earthly praise? Why do I feel that I constantly need to feel encouragement from others?
It's probably because I lack encouragement SO MUCH.
I mean really people. I am a matured enuff hindu/brahmin boy in a world that is so corrupted-w/ a mission to bring Christ to people and people to Christ--but have failed to get encouragement from fellow believers. And sometimes not even those who are closest to me.
WHY IS THAT?! And I KNOW I'm not the only one who feels this way. My generation IS the future. And it's coming up fast. Don't you think the adults who are believers would make it THEIR mission to lift up their youth?
It's already BAD ENOUGH that I was born into a world of sin and show offs, but also trying to victoriously win the constant mental and emotional battles in my mind.
No one is at fault and no one's to blame. But when is enough really ever enough?
A part of me is saying to broadcast all of this because it could change a lot. But from past experiences, change wasn't the good news. It only brought on more anger from rejection.
I'm afraid of people.
I'm afraid of their thoughts.
I'm afraid of their intentions.
I'm afraid of their expectations.
I hope God is on my side. And I shouldn't be afraid..but then even God is also lost somewhere...
