I dont mind being small..

I read a line written by an european intellectual - "Humility is necessary to the enjoyment of anything."

And Yes !! i totally agree with the quote of this great unknown intellectual.

I need to make myself smaller than the object, moment, or person i am experiencing in order to truly soak it up. Otherwise, I will just trample it, like a galumphing elephant does a shrub, and move on in pursuit of the next big thing. Something about the picture of making myself small really got through to me and I've been thinking about it a lot. It takes a conscious effort sometimes, but I feel all the corners and cracks and enter into things more. It's so easy to feel entitled, you know? But when I'm small, I don't feel entitled. I don't mind being small. I am small. I feel awed. And alive. My feet dancing on the ground, mossy and heaving with life my arms outstretched and face to the sky,low, smooth, and strangely tangible..I laughed in exultation and hugged the nearest tree and thanked god for the strange, most glorious gift of life. I feel awed. And alive. Yes !! I don't mind being small..

Perhaps the secret to stayed and beautiful life is ' littleness ', watching God bring His swooping wing low – how exponentially magnified He becomes if we acknowledge our humble position. Yes !! I dont mind being small..I am small. I feel awed. And Alive.

A Gift !!

Life's beautiful when it truly happens. The poetic irony. The better job that appears just when despair is thinking of leasing a room. That wonderful pet adopted when it just showed up after the loss of another. The unexpected opportunity, the surprise windfall, the fortuitous, the serendipitous. The fruit falls from the tree, ripe and ready. A gift.

And there you are again. After the disappointment, the discouragement, the adjustment--she enters. Beautiful, blissful, artistic, funny, loves what you love, prefers what you prefer, shares your interests, wakes you up in mornings, rings you unlimited times, texts you to track your every moment, interrogates you about your meal, gives you reminders for all your to do list items and finds she is the best in all forms and ways, teaches you that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and grief is the door and as long it is closed, it is the barrier between knowing and not knowing. walk away from it, it stays closed forever. but open it, walk through it, and the pain becomes truth...She is my aai. A gift.

Life proceeds apace, one day at a time, and we find hope lives, even knowing what could happen, but also knowing what could finally happen. People come and people leave. That elusive "one," that small subset of the population, grows in your land.

And so, not knowing, yet knowing, we truly Live...i truly Live..because of my aai. A gift.

Cup Of Goodness !!

The whole idea of writing out my worst faults and thoughts about myself was to provide a foil for my goodness. I was going to write a list of all the things about me that are good and wonderful and, ultimately walk away celebrating who I am and where I am going.

Except this day, this week, this month, this year it seems I'm having a hard time saying those positive attributes about myself. Not that I'm dwelling on my negatives or don't realize my own goodness, just that speaking what I think is worthy about myself out loud suddenly makes me feel very self-conscious. And uncomfortable.

Ironic, of course, because I'm generally not a self-conscious person. In fact, I would say I tend towards brashness and overconfidence (again, to a fault), not modesty.

Or perhaps I'm learning that I don't need to speak my goodness out loud. I know those things. I don't need to hear them, I don't need to write them because I am them. I am the good as well as the bad. Everyone is, really. We have to have the bad with the good to make up the ying and the yang, the two sides of the coin, the comedy and the tragedy. I can't be one without the other. Together, they make me whole.

I've been thinking and writing down my list of failings over the last week. I realized, as I read and reread them, that many of these have been my failings for years. They are nothing new. And most of them probably aren't going to change much. I can turn over a new leaf, try harder to be a better person, give up my vices (and I try I will), but the reality is I am who I am. I've spent nearly 2 decades becoming this individual and it's unlikely that the next 3 decades is going to yield dramatic change to the basic person I am.

So where to from here? How do I reconcile my failings and faults, know they may not change, but continue to strive to be the person whom I wish to be, a person who is better/kinder/stronger/smarter than I am right now?

Perhaps I just do it. I be the better person, choose the harder path and hope that with each passing day, I'll grow, change, stretch into the human I know I am.

That's the start of the seven lives

Traces, many faces..
Pushing the limits..
Distorted love..
Encounters with emotions..
Requiem for a dream..
Lost in the maze of time..
Blinded by the darkness..
That's the start of the seven lives

Silent Sadness..
Age of loneliness..
Knocking on forbidden doors..
Endless quest..
Principles of lust...
Your shining smile..
Temple of love..
Lost in the maze of time..
Blinded by the darkness..
That's the start of the seven lives

Rivers of belief...
Dunes of faith..
Mountains of desires...
Weightless hearts..
Torn pages of life...
Lost in the maze of time..
Blinded by the darkness..
That's the start of the seven lives


It's too close..
But still too far..
Following my inner guide..
Showing who am i..
In these seven lives

Take it easy - Its Just Deja Vu..
That's the start of the seven lives

I'm not ready to give in. I'm wrestling with Him....

I am asking for your prayers..
God has been working on my heart to get me to do something, or at least to attempt to do something I just don't want to do. It's not life or death, but it's kind of multi-layered. And did I mention, I don't want to do it? Oh right, I just did.
He's been talking to me while I read His word. He's been talking to me while I do the laundry. He's been talking to me while I'm in church. He's been talking to me when I run. I'd really prefer it if I wasn't hearing Him so strongly. But God, my God, He's LOUD and CLEAR. I keep giving Him reasons why I don't think He's right, yeah, I've got that nerve. Yet...He won't shut up.

Boy, do I want Him to.

For about a month now He's been showing up too many places telling me to do the right thing. I think I've been intentional in doing the opposite just because I can't imagine listening to Him on this one.

He's right of course, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be right too. Except we're having completely opposite thoughts here, and only one of us can be right, and, you know, He's God. He wins.

Life doesn't always go the way we had hoped. We don't get a say in the choices of others, and we can't make people do things the way we think they should be done. We don't get to control death, loss, disease. We can't change the diagnosis that will rob our loved one of their memories. We just stand there helpless as we watch it happen.

And, that's what I do.

I watch helplessly as life goes much differently than I had planned.

I wrestle. I wonder. I ache.

I get angry.

I long for control.

Isn't that the root of all sin? My belief that my way is better than His? Isn't that what I am really thinking?

All the while, it is there.

The whispered, "Do you trust me?"

Faith is not something you have, it is something you do. Despite the wrestling, the ache, and the anger you trust; knowing that someday, it will all be redeemed.

Knowing that even though I cannot see it, it is being redeemed.

God is not idle.

I am not alone.

He is redeeming.

Do I trust Him?

But I'm not ready to give in. I'm wrestling with Him.

So, if you'd pray that I'd humble myself to Him, which will mean humbling myself to others. Which will mean no more complaining or gossipping, which will mean working at making peace, which will mean allowing myself to open to be slammed again...oh wait, that's me wrestling again--see, knowing that this will most likely hurt, quite a bit, makes me not want to do it.

Enough already, Shut up, me.

Will you just pray for me please? God knows what I'm writing about here. Knowing you are praying will hold me to being accountable to listen and do what He is telling me.

It NEVER works out that way.....

Have you ever had the experience of praying for something and seeing, in your head, how it would work out? I do that all the time. But…you know what? It NEVER works out that way.

Or, how about this….you’re not sure what’s ahead, what’s around the next corner. You may be sensing that Life is calling you into a new adventure but you cannot possibly see how it will come to pass. Or, you may be facing a very difficult situation that is full of uncertainty. If only you could see what’s ahead, then you could trust it with whatever it is.

I used to fear these circumstances (sometimes I still do). I wanted to have more control, to be able to plan things out, to know what was coming next so I could better prepare. What I really wanted was for Life to answer my prayers my way. This kind of living caused me a great deal of anxiety. But then, slowly, Life began to change my perspective. I began to relax and truly trust that Life knew what was best. I didn’t need to know everything.

I have been on this journey long enough to know that Life always works it out. Not always in the way I want life to and never the way I think life will, but, none the less, life works it out.

Now, instead of fearing what’s around the next corner, I am looking for the surprise. I know Life loves me and that it will take care of me, even if it is in unexpected ways. So, instead of needing all the answers, I am able to live with the questions and anticipate the surprise, looking at it like a gift. It may not come when I expect it, be wrapped the way I think it should be or even be the gift I want…but it will always be the gift I need.

May your day be filled with “Life surprises”. May you not be fearful and anxious about what lies ahead but learn to be open and excited about the surprises Life has in store for you. Enjoy the gift; the gift of trusting Life with everything.